The Impossible Light
by sarahmancuso
Summary: Olivia finds herself struggling to turn a light off that has been abnormally bright lately. While he is unable to turn the light off, Elliot is there to help his partner because he knows all-too-well how she's feeling. Set in season 9, episode 1. EO pairing. Pure fluff. K-plus rating (I think there's one curse word?) Enjoy! :)
**Set at the very beginning of season 9, after Elliot tells Olivia that Kathy is pregnant. I wrote this while in a fluffy mood so beware. :) Thanks and I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

It had been the first day back on the job after her suspension and Olivia was already ready to go home: Cragen had be reassigned for taking the fall for her, Elliot and Fin; Munch was his replacement; And the case they had just caught dealt with a perp with five identities due to her/their Dissociative Identity Disorder.

While the office had been hectic, she was feeling more grounded in her life. Her suspension had been a blessing in disguise, if she was being honest with herself. She actually took the time to relax and reflect on her life both in and out of work. Before, she was going through a grey area (more like red or purple) in life: she was falling for her partner. That's what her therapist had told her, at least.

She begged to differ, saying that it wasn't love but an appreciation, a fondness. She had begun to see Elliot in a different light ever since he had been living on his own and separated from his wife. That's what she told her therapist, at least.

In reality, it was the same light she had always seen him in: strong, loving, caring, sexy, genuine, courageous, et al. And damn it that was one light bulb that never blew! Figuratively, she tried changing lamp shades, thinking that maybe a darker colored lamp shade would dim the light. No such luck…

She sat at her desk, rolling her eyes when Elliot decided to interject her thoughts by tipping the lamp shade on her desk light to the side so that the light blinded her. _Ironic_ , she thought to herself.

"You're annoying." She half-joked, slapping his hand off the lamp and adjusting the shade so it sat properly.

"I try." His cocky grin and sexy gate enticed her thoughts, once again. Luckily, Munch had started ordering everyone around at that moment, so she was safe from her own thoughts, for now.

"Janis' lawyer just got here." Munch notified the detectives before they took off towards the interview room to see how this would play out. Janis, currently her alter-ego Dory, had fired her lawyer and was asking to waive her Miranda rights. Elliot and Olivia were all too happy to oblige her, seeing as the previous alter-ego was not willing to talk and they wanted to talk to _this_ alter-ego before another one arrived.

"There. Satisfied?" Janis said whilst her lawyer examined her signature on the waiver.

"No. You signed it Dory Johnson." The lawyer deadpanned.

"That's my name, dumbo!"

Seeing the perp get annoyed, Elliot decided to intervene, in hopes of persuading her to sign her real name.

"If you really wanna get rid of this guy," He grinned, obviously flirting. "All you gotta do is sign Janis Donovan." He added a little wink for extra measure and could see Olivia dying a little out of the corner of his eye.

He had used his good looks and charm on suspects before and loved doing it, especially because it got his partner so riled up. Although she never said anything, she hated when he purposely flirted with perps to earn their trust. Not only did it feel like coercion to her, but she couldn't help but to get jealous. Of course Elliot knew this, hence why he did it.

Janis had bought his act a little too whole-heartedly and was now infatuated with his every move. Olivia situated herself in the corner, a front-row seat to the performance she was about to witness.

"Where's your gun?" Janis asked Elliot seductively.

"In my locker." God he was so suave with his tight body and smooth talking.

"Can I see it?" Janis had a sinister grin plastered across her face, but Olivia wouldn't have noticed because her attention was on her partner at the moment. Interestingly, though, her partner had just switched his attention to her.

"Well, I tell you what, if you tell us where April is, I'll be glad to show it to you." He smiled for _her_ , for _Olivia._

Olivia's whole body went numb and she could hear her heart beating in her chest. She was sure he just smiled for her, was he flirting with her? Did he know how bad she wanted to be in Janis' shoes right now? She wandered back into the conversation to hear him try to convince Janis to let Huang hypnotize her.

"Oh c'mon…for me?" Elliot quipped with a small turn of his lips, sending chills down Olivia's spine, even though he was talking to the perp.

"I don't want to. I feel safe here." Janis replied to him. Olivia left the room to find Janis' shrink, thankful that she would be able to hide how much she related with what the perp had just said.

The case dragged on, as did the chaos at the 1-6 with Munch as acting Captain. Eventually, Cragen was reassigned back, to the relief of Munch and the rest of the detectives, and Janis' act was revealed. She had been faking the DID, playing everyone like a fiddle and getting away scot free thanks to the Double Jeopardy Clause of our good 'ol Fifth Amendment. At least Janis' sister would have to pay, which was punishment for Janis as well.

Soon, it was the end of the week and Olivia found herself at a nice restaurant with Dean Porter who was trying his best to schmooze her. She just wasn't into it tonight, or any other night with him. He was a nice guy, not fascinated with the gory details of her job, unlike most of the other guys she met. But, at the end of the day, she would never be happy because none of the guys she saw were the one she wanted.

She apologized to Dean for being a buzzkill and came up with some lame excuse not to invite him over but thanked him for dinner. No questions were asked and he left, which bothered her. For once, she wanted someone to ask her what was wrong and if she was okay…and she wanted that someone to be Elliot.

"Yeah right." She said to herself before deciding she wasn't ready to go back inside just yet. She wasn't exactly dressed for a walk (dark wash dress jeans, pumps and a low cut black blouse), but needed to clear her head. The park that the team had canvased just a couple days ago was near and she wanted to revisit the cave.

As she strolled along the dimly lit path, she noticed the peaceful silence, with the exception of some squirrels and birds that rustled somewhere out of sight. She came upon the rock cave and questioned her judgement because she remembered why they had found the perp in the caves to begin with: she was researching spiders. But, the air was so mild and the moon was so bright that the inside of the cave lit up and glistened in the night, looking almost appealing.

She took a chance and entered the cave, slowly. After taking three steps and seeing a flock of spiders flee, she said nope and started to back out. She backed into something hard, no someone, and spun around, pulling her gun that was tucked behind her in the waist line of her jeans.

"Jesusfuck," Her words fell out as she took deep breaths and saw the familiar face of her partner standing in front of her.

"What the hell are you doing here, Elliot?!" She asked as she tucked the gun back into her waist band and fixed her newly ruffled blouse.

"I could ask you the same thing." They walked further away from the cave, a little more towards a lamppost so they could talk.

"How did you find me?" She deflected as she rested a hand on her hip, still catching her breath from being startled. He couldn't help notice how beautiful she looked as the moonlight reflected the twinkle in her eyes.

"I met Porter on the road. He said he thought he saw you walking this way. What's going on, y'alright?" She smiled happily at the fact that the _one_ person she had wanted to ask her what was wrong and if she was okay, actually did. Life was funny sometimes.

"Ah, forget it, I'm fine." She no longer cared about her shitty evening and gave him a reassuring smile, just happy that he cared for her enough to ask.

"Why were you looking for me in the first place?" She continued. He wasn't sure he had an answer to her question, so he simply shrugged lightly and threw a smile over his shoulder as he made his way to the rock cave.

She watched him scramble up the steep rocks and look down at her triumphantly, with his arm extended towards her. They were both acting different, tonight. _Must be the full moon_ , she thought to herself as she rolled her eyes and decided to humor him. They locked both pairs of hands and he effortlessly hoisted her up onto the top of the cave.

They stood in silence for a moment, admiring the stars and the lucky weather they were having. It was peaceful, which is difficult to find in the city. She heard him take a deep breath, as if preparing to do something brave, and then saw him lie down and stare up at the sky. Or was he staring at her? She couldn't be sure.

"What did you think I was going to do after I found out Kathy was pregnant?" His question was random and unexpected, but she found herself dreading having to answer. She knew what he was talking about.

 **[flashback]**

 _Elliot paces in the courtroom and anxiously checks the time, again._

" _Elliot." She breaks the silence._

" _Yeah?"_

" _You checked the time two minutes ago, what's going on?" He sighs heavy, silently cursing her for always knowing him so well. He doesn't want to tell her what is happening in his life, he is ashamed of himself, but he knows he can't avoid it forever._

" _Kathy's pregnant." He manages to blurt, fearing her reaction. He sees the shock and hurt on his partner and best friend's face and he wants to die._

" _I didn't know you went back home." She says with a heavy heart. It's not like she should be surprised, but she is. Things were going so well between her and Elliot since he and Kathy separated…now it'll be over._

" _I haven't…pathetic," He looks away before continuing. "Fooling around like a kid…" Now he looks directly into her eyes. The eyes that, if given the choice, he would choose over life itself. His heart aches when he thinks he sees her eyes gloss over with tears. But she's strong, something he has always loved about her, and she pulls herself together._

" _So what're you gonna do?"_

" _What do you mean by that?" He is shocked she even asked that._

 **[end flashback]**

"It doesn't matter." She says remaining calm and grounded as she boldly joins him on the hard rock, making sure to leave a couple feet between them.

"You thought I would leave her, didn't you?" Elliot's voice is almost a whisper and sends a wave of chills down Olivia's back. She can feel his eyes scanning her body and she has a brief thought on how she shouldn't be getting these pants dirty because they weren't on sale when she bought them. Those vanity thoughts fly out the window when she hears his unsteady breathing, as if he's fighting a break down.

She still doesn't answer, and maybe this in itself is an answer, because that's exactly what her first thought was. She _had_ half-expected him to leave his pregnant wife and kids.

Before, she had hoped for so long that he would get the courage to sign the divorce papers, and he had. After he signed, they were able to nurture their relationship. They grabbed dinner more often, had movie nights more often, talked more openly, et al.

She'll never forget the night he attempted to flirt with her at the bar and ended up spilling his drink, making the whole ordeal a million times sweeter and more unique. At first, it was nothing serious. They kept it light and casual, flirting with each other, just a shade more than the usual. It was in these little, seemingly benign moments that they had grown close.

It was all benign until one night when they ended up sharing beautiful, passionate and raw sex at his apartment. Neither had meant for it to happen, but both would be lying if they said they'd regretted it. For both, it had been the most real experience and they knew then and there where they were meant to be: together.

But, morning had come and they decided to put it behind them and to never talk of it again. And so they did. Things were going great until he broke the news of Kathy's pregnancy. After the news Olivia went into shut-down mode and was thankful for her suspension.

Over her suspension, she tried to convince herself that what she and Elliot shared was nothing in comparison to the lifetime of love he and Kathy had and continue to share. Her therapist had approved this line of thinking as being the "healthiest" management technique for her. He sure was a quack for all his fancy degrees and big paycheck.

It was awful and pathetic, but she felt like he had betrayed her…for his wife and mother of his children. And no matter how hard she tried to turn that light off, she failed miserably…

"I thought I would, too." She wasn't sure if she had heard him correctly because she had been too busy thinking. Had he just told her that he thought he would leave his pregnant wife?

"Huh?" She knew full well what he had said but was trying to buy some time to regulate her breathing.

"What kind of man does that make me?" He let his head drop to the side so as to hide his tears from the beautiful woman next to him.

"Human, El. That makes you human." She rolled onto her side, using her arm to prop her head up while he turned his head back to look at her.

"The fact that you didn't leave makes you the incredible, strong man that's here today." Though she wished things had gone differently, she meant what she said and found his actions respectable.

Their eyes found each other amidst the dark night, little orbs of the moon's reflection in hers and the stars' reflections in his. She was trying not to show how much he had affected her, how much he continues to affect her, but knew that he would be able to peel that curtain back and see what was really going on.

"I'm sorry…" She could feel herself breaking at the sounds of his voice apologizing. She didn't need clarification on what he was sorry for, she knew. And she was sorry he knew; if he knew that she felt hurt after he returned to Kathy, then he knew how much she felt for him.

"El," She swallowed hard in an attempt to force the lump of tears away. "You don't need to apologize." The ground suddenly became too crowded and the air too thick so she sat up and scooched herself to the edge, letting her legs dangle off.

She closed her eyes, inhaled slowly and deeply before exhaling the same way. She had hoped the tension in her chest would be relieved but it only worsened. By now, he had sat up on his elbows and was watching her, amazed by her every move.

Two, three, maybe even four long moments passed with neither of them speaking. He had moved next to her on the ledge, also dangling his legs.

"What kind of man does it make me when I'm lying to my wife every day?" Olivia was confused. Was he trying to tell her that he was cheating on Kathy?

He was so close to spilling his guts to her and wanted to tell her how he felt, but he succumbed to the fear of rejection.

"Forget it…" He bowed his head, wiping away stray tears and hoping she would drop the subject. He should have known better.

"El, c'mon. What's going on?" Olivia took his hands in hers, ready and willing to be his rock through thick and thin. Whatever kind of turmoil he was going through, she would vow to defend and protect him.

"What are you lying to Kathy about?" She asked after all he did was stare at their joined hands.

"Every morning, when I go to leave, I kiss my kids goodbye and Kathy tells me she loves me." He sniffled, still staring at their joined hands. "and every morning I tell her I love her too…"

It clicked in her mind and they soon were joined on the same page in this fucked up novel. Feeling the bravery of being his protector start to wear off, she withdrew her hand from his. She was scared, she didn't want to give him any advice on how to leave his wife.

"My kids grew up with a father who was there one minute and gone the next…this child won't get that. I won't let that happen…but I can't keep lying to myself and everyone around me."

He pulled her hand from her lap and held it with both of his hands. Olivia thought how convenient it would be for an EMT to be near-by because she was pretty sure she would need one in a second.

"I've fought myself for so long, Liv. I'm Catholic, loving another woman is a sin. But Kathy deserves better…and so do you. You deserve to know the truth, to know that what you're feeling is real because I feel it too. And if God has an issue with that, I'll pay the price because it's on-"

"El?" She cut him off. "Do me a favor?"

"Anything." He was practically begging for acceptance. She found this amusing because he need not beg, he's always had her acceptance.

"Shut up and kiss me." And so he did. The kiss was warm and simple, completely free of complications or worries about the future or past. He tangled one of his hands in her hair while she cupped and stroked his cheeks with her hands.

A few seconds into their pure bliss, a blinding light appeared from the walkway below the cave.

"NYP-" The voice behind the huge strobe light sounded familiar. "Liv? Elliot?!"

The two broke apart, hands shielding their eyes from the light as Munch and Fin stared up at them.

"Captain sent us back to check the cave out, thought there might be some more evidence." Fin said, eyeing them suspiciously and not really knowing how to feel.

"He said he tried you guys first. No wonder he couldn't reach you." Munch snickered at them. He noticed them struggling as the light continued to blind them but, try as he might, he couldn't turn it off. He gave it a good slap but the light remained bright and unwavering.

"Turn that damn thing off, will ya?" Elliot said, unable to see anything. Olivia looked over at her partner and started to giggle at the irony. When Elliot glanced over at her and saw her laughing, he wondered what the hell was so funny.

"That's one light you can't turn off, Stabler."

The older detectives continued to struggle with the faulty strobe light while Elliot and Olivia embraced again. The kiss was more passionate, both smiling as they poured their hearts out to one another in it.

The grip they had on each other, that they've always had, was so strong and fierce that they knew leaving would be impossible. Similarly, the light that remained was now brighter than ever and attempts to extinguish it would be futile. Such is the nature of a love like theirs.


End file.
